


Endurance

by merthurlin



Series: Redemption [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, AU: Ahsoka adopts Rey, Angst, Gen, this is completly au to rebels since i havent seen it yet so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-17 01:38:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5848954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merthurlin/pseuds/merthurlin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ahsoka Tano is always running.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Endurance

**Author's Note:**

> This could be alternatively titled: Ahsoka Tano wakes the force the fuck up (and also saves the Skywalker family from their own drama) but it's less catchy.

At six years old, Ahsoka is running in the temple.

It’s been three years since she has been brought to the Jedi order, and already the temple is all she knows. The vast halls and narrow corridors, the serene gardens and quiet library – it’s her home. It’s hers in a way no other thing is – Jedi Knights are not supposed to have attachments, are not supposed to have homes, but Ahsoka is still a youngling, not even a Padawan yet (although how she wants to be!), and has much to learn.

( _One day the Jedi temple will burn burn burn, and Ahsoka will not be there to watch_ ).

Master Plo calls it “honing her Force instincts”, but Ahsoka only hears “tag” and “competition”, and already she is off. Last week she failed a mediation exam to Eridan ( _gone, dead at the hands of her master-anakin- **vader**_ ), and she is going to win this. Jedi masters are not supposed to seek revenge, but Ahsoka is six, and Eridan is insufferable in his victory.

The Jedi temple is her home, but more than that, it’s her playground, the map of it etched in her mind, singing in her bones. She will not lose.

Ahsoka is running like she never has before, and just as she was swinging down a corner, a form collided with hers, sending her to the floor.

“Young one, I’m quite sure your masters have taught you to not run down the halls”, an amused voice sounds above her. She looks up. He is a young Jedi, but one she has not seen before – a beard just starting to grow, long hair, a kind smile. Not a lot of Jedi smile like that. Master Plo doesn’t, but Master Plo is a _proper_ Jedi – she gets the feeling the same can’t be said about the one before her.

“Sorry, Master, I’m supposed to be honing my Force instincts!” she explains, picking herself up.

“Seems like you should be working more on that and less on your footwork”, he rebukes gently, the smile not leaving his face. Ahsoka decides she likes him.

“I will!” she declares, then stops. “But maybe you could…. not tell Master Plo about this?” she asks hopefully. She will be terribly embarrassed if he knew about this.

The Jedi laughs. “It will be our little secret”, he promises, “Master Plo has the worst disappointed face”.

Ahsoka nods aggressively, “I _know_.” She makes a face, “I just can’t do it, I can’t find Master Plo’s signature! Everything is so loud and… and bright! And it’s so confusing and it gives me a headache”.

“Better get back to training”, he advises, starts to walk down the corridor, then stops and turns her way, “Would you like… some help?”

Ahsoka is thrilled, “Of course, Master!”

“Think of a Force signature like a very particular scent. It may be subtle and hard to notice, but every living creature has its own special scent. Families or close friends may have similar scents, but there are no two identical scents in the entire galaxy”.

“What do I smell like, Master?” Ahsoka asks, curious.

The Jedi scrutinizes her. She squirms under his gaze. After a pause, he replies: “Spicy”.

“That is not a smell!” she objects, squinting at him.

His smile widens, “Sure it is. What does the Sijjo sewi they serve every day smells like?”

She stops to think. After a second her shoulders drop. “Spicy”.

“Like you”, he pats her head. “It’s not a _bad_ smell”.

“Well, Master, you smell like…” she pauses, and looks at him. But now she sees not a man – or rather, she sees beyond a man. The temple stretches before her, the city beyond it, _the galaxy beyond that_. Billions and billions of lives, of signatures, of scents, all spread before her. Ahsoka could get lost in it, could explore it forever, could find every single one of those life forms and learn its shape, could run across the universe and never stop, not for anyone. But first…

“Cinnamon”, she decided, snapping back to the hallway. “Definitely cinnamon”.

The Master looks at her strangely, as if reconsidering her. Did she say something bad? Was she wrong? Before she could begin to apologize, he says: “Do you think you could find Master Plo now?”

She concentrates, and concentrates, and – there! “Grass after the rain!” she announces triumphantly, spinning around in the direction of the smell, before reconsidering and spinning around again to face her helper.

“Thank you, Master!”

He chuckles, “Go on then. May the force be with you, young one”.

Ahsoka starts to run again. “And with you, Master!” she yells over her shoulder.

( _Qui-Gon Jinn dies on Naboo, and she never even knew his name_ ).

* * *

 At fourteen years old, Ahsoka is running towards a deflector shield, her maybe future Master on her side.

She knows she should be feeling fear, and on some level, she does. But Jedi Masters are not supposed to feel fear, and she may not be a Master yet but she is not a youngling anymore, and Ahsoka is nothing if not stubbornly proud.

 _Padawan_. “Power, have words”, Master Yoda once said. Ahsoka still thinks a lightsaber, or even a blaster, is probably better than words, but she kind of understands – the word feels her with a feeling that is hard to describe (a feeling a Jedi Master would never feel – but it’s okay, she is still a Padawan. A Padawan!).

( _Soon she will meet Senator Amidala, who will show her the real power of words. Soon she will meet Darth Vader, who will show her the real weakness of power._ )

She knows Anakin Skywalker hasn’t chosen her, that he doesn’t want a Padawan and that he definitely did not know about this new arrangement of Master Yoda. She knows that at fourteen she is very young for a Padawan, that Anakin Skywalker is one of the most promising generals of the Republic, that she is very young for a solider and that being Skywalker’s Padawan will mean war. She knows war is awful, she knows that she is fighting for the good guys, she knows it will be worth it.

( _She is fourteen and all the things she doesn’t know will later be written in the blood of younglings slayed by someone she once thought of as a brother._ )

Anakin Skywalker is like nothing she has imagined. She heard of his courage (the hero with no fear!), of his Force signature (she feels like she is burning in it, it is bright like nothing she has ever felt), of his charming smile and nice hair and tall body (she will deny that she read those magazines to her dying day).

She did not hear about his blatant disregard for rules and procedures, about the way he takes risks with no one but himself, about his temper and his kindness and his wit. Anakin Skywalker is like no Jedi Master she has ever known, and for a moment, she is sad Master Plo could not take her as his Padawan.

( _For a moment she remembers a kind smile in a deserted hallway._ )

* * *

 Ahsoka is fifteen years old and she is running for her life, a Wookie on her side and a bunch of younglings behind her.

She has no idea what she is doing, but she knows it is the only thing she can do, the only thing she will do, the only thing that Master Skywalker would do. She is afraid, deathly so, the blood of Kalifa still visible on her clothes. Jedi are not supposed to feel fear but she is just a Padawan, and sometimes it feels like fear hasn’t left her since Mortis, since the dark side and the Son and death, so cold and final.

( _Fear will be her constant companions for years to come. Only much later she will realize it was her Master’s as well.)_

She was trained for this, for combat and survival. She won her instincts through battle and strife, through command and subordination, through losing her men and saving lives. But she wasn’t trained for _this_ – for feeling helpless, for feeling alone, for _missing her Master_. She can handle herself, and she hates it when he is being condescending and protective, but she is so confused and she does not understand. Death in battle, death for a purpose – those are ideologies she has carved into her bones. Death as a _sport_? What a waste.

She is fiercely glad for the Wookie besides her. He is just as confused as she is. She is also fiercely jealous of him. Sometimes she wishes she could howl her displeasure out loud as well.

( _After the Empire, after Padme and Obi-Wan and Rex, after Vader, she started screaming and never stopped.)_

* * *

At seventeen years old, Ahsoka runs away from the Jedi.

The less said about that, the better.

* * *

At seventeen years old, Ahsoka stops and feels as her world burns.

That’s the last time she will stop running for a very long while.

* * *

 At twenty five years old, Ahsoka is still running away from the Empire.

Life as a fugitive is simple in some ways, and hard in others. It’s simple to be on your own, to care for no one but yourself, to have no belongings besides the clothes on your back and a blaster at your side. It’s also incredibly hard. It seems like eight years after living the order, Ahsoka finally manages to live as a Jedi. She could almost see Master Kenobi laugh, which is ridiculous, because she has never once seen him laugh.

She is losing her mind.

There is a constant feeling behind her, oppressive and all consuming, dark in ways she has only experience once, almost a decade ago, on a planet where she died and was brought back to life. She has heard rumors about Vader, his power and his ruthlessness. She has felt him in the force, like he has felt her, and she is just so tired of feeling afraid.

But she is angry, too – she does not know what happened to Master Skywalker, to Master Kenobi. What happened to Padma, or Rex (did he betray them? Has he killed any Jedi she knew? Would he have killed her had she stayed?). But she knows they could not have survived, that they would have found her had they have, and she is angry about half-fulfilled promises and stolen reunions.

When Ahsoka Tano is angry, her running becomes a stampede, a dare against the world, ‘here I am, come find me’, and the world obliges.

( _When Ahsoka Tano is afraid, the world is quiet. It is ashamed it has failed her_.)

Vader is even more frightening in person than in the force, the smell of burning flesh almost drowning all of Ahsoka’s senses. He is a monster come into being, lines of sleek darkness given life, a half-existence that should have never been set free. The force reels against him and yet is attracted to him, a beam of light trying to flee a black hole.

He is strong, no doubt about that, but Ahsoka fights like an animal cornered. Leaving the order felt like a choice, but now she knows it was the only thing that ever felt right, because all of those feeling that are powering her – fear, anger, love – could have never been wrong. For the first time since leaving the temple, leaving everything she has ever known, she feels whole again, one with the force in a way the order has never allowed her to be before.

( _She remembers Yoda and Padma, and thinks: you are wrong. Words are powerful, but emotions are the cornerstones of existence.)_

She should have known better - the world is cruel and loves a good joke. He calls her “Snips” and her world crumbles. She has known betrayal: clones who went against their purpose and against their brothers (She wishes Order 66 was the exception, but she knows better), her feelings betraying her Jedi training (Lux Bonteri comes to mind, beautiful and impossible in a world she thought was black and white), Berris' betrayal (the one that changed everything, that ruined her and saved her).

She thought she has known betrayal, that she has breathed it in and has become desynthesized to it, but Vader is the exception - Anakin was always the exception, she doesn't know how she forgot it. Anakin could do what no other Jedi could, what no other general could, what no other _man_ could. Anakin could reshape worlds, could bring people back to life (he brought _her_ back to life), could crush the world in the fist of his hand.

Did. He did crush the world in the fist of his hand. Tenses. Tenses are important. They never were before, but now Ahsoka must separate between the Anakin-that-was to the Anakin-that-is. Only she can't, because that is him, in all of his glory and despair. Ahsoka would be lying if she said she has never felt his Dark Side, that he didn't scare her sometimes. She has seen the depth of his feelings, the enormity of her, even as he told her to control hers. She thought him a hypocrite then.

She wishes he could be a hypocrite now.

( _Later, when she lies half dead, sure that her Master killed her, she remembers a half forgotten promise: "I will never let anyone hurt you", and weeps._ )

* * *

 At thirty six years old she is running when she feels Alderann burn.

It is a feeling she has only felt once before.

She keeps on running.

* * *

 At forty years old she is running a smuggling ring out of Abregado-rae, salvaging weaponry and transportation for the Rebel Alliance.

She has never been an active participant, but it feels like battle is all she has ever known. She is still fighting, still rallying against the Empire, but she balks out of anything that would put her on the front lines, anything that would put her in front of Vader. She is not afraid of him, but afraid of killing him, or maybe afraid of failing to kill him, of having him in front of her and unable to deal the finishing blow. Of finding out that it is not Vader she sees in front of her, but Anakin, who once brought her back to life with a touch of his fingertips to her forehead.

( _Mortis will never leave her, not as long as she is alive. Probably not in death either.)_

The news of the Empire’s fall reach them fast. The Empire is gone, the Sith defeated.

Vader dead.

Ahsoka thought she has filled her capacity for grief a very long time ago. She thought wrong – it slams into her like an old friend, the feeling as familiar as the feeling of a blaster in her hands (it sometimes still feels wrong to hold anything but a saber – but Ahsoka forsook that way a long time ago).

She knows Anakin does not deserve her grief – or rather, that this grief is decades late. Her Master died a long time ago, at the hands of her departure, Obi-Wan’s blindness, the council’s coldness. At the hands of Palpatine, white and gnarly and decaying, taking and taking from him until there was nothing left but fear.

And if there was anything Ahsoka knows, it’s fear.

But they also speak of a boy, a Force-user, the one who killed the Emperor and his slave. They speak of a princess, a general, the one who managed to rally the Alliance and mount an attack against the heart of the empire.

They speak of Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa, and Ahsoka can’t breath, surrounded by ghosts.

( _Sometimes she thinks she has been a ghost since Mortis – the world is just having a little trouble catching up.)_

* * *

 At fifty seven years old Ahsoka is running in a desert planet.

She remember her Master telling her about Tatooine. He did not like talking about his home-world, still resentful and grieving for a childhood he would never have and a mother he would never hold.

( _Ahsoka has grown up in a temple, and a mother was a concept that was as foreign to her as it was coveted by her.)_

But sometimes he would mention the dangers of a sand storm, the antics of the Hutts, the myths of his people. He would mention his mother’s favorite recipe, the feeling of his speeder in the middle of a race, the color of the sand as the sun sets. He never intends to, and whenever he does he goes quiet for a while, as if he forgot and needs to remind himself, or as if he remembers and needs to forget. Ahsoka collected those moments like one would collect gemstones or seashells – with jealousy and abandon.

Jakku is not Tatooine, but there is a scent here she has not smelt in a very long time. Smelling it again feels like taking the first clean breath since she left Coruscant, since she felt the world burn, since she heard “Snips” in a mechanical voice.

She finds an abandoned child, and a force-signature that could rival the sun – it does not burn but it warms, it wraps around her and centers her in a way she never though she would be again. The child is crying for her family, and Ahsoka never knew what family is, but she thinks she could try.

(It’s a lie – for Ahsoka family was a pat on her shoulder from Obi-Wan, a proud smile from Rex, the loyalty of her soldiers, being called “Snips” in a teasing voice.

But it is not the type of family this child needs. Ahsoka knows she cannot keep her from fighting, that fighting is in her blood, but she also knows that this child will not grow up like a youngling, or a slave, or a solider. This child will grow up loved.)

Ahsoka picks up her new charge, and stops running.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This started because I became afraid that Ahsoka is already Really Really Old and Really Really Dead by the time episode VII comes around. But turns out she is about 70 years old, which is not old at all and super kickass. 
> 
> That being said, if you find any continuity errors (such as Ahsoka's age - Star Wars timeline is confusing as hell) please let me know!


End file.
